Tonight has been very trying on me…it is nights like tonight that make me wish that my sergeant would leave someone else in charge in his absence. I mean, no one ever really respects or listens to the OIC (okay well, they do when you tell them they can skate out early, but generally speaking it is absolutely not worth the extra $14 you’re suppose to get paid on those days, but that’s another story in and of itself) And who cares if I am about to be an actual sergeant that has no bearing on the present moment…I am just a fellow squad mate wearing some imaginary chevron epilates; when my sergeant returns, I return to being just another detective.
My bad, I was on my soap box for a moment. So, the lieutenant began texting me many, many hours before I was scheduled to be at work. Be sure my guys bring their uniforms into work tonight…check, forward that along to them. Here are my fixed position assignments. Bring shovels. Be advised we are not on fixed positions as of yet. Please note, we are now in uniform for the evening; however, not on fixed positions. 10-4…forward that along. Time for me to attempt to drive into work, I am so thankful for having a 4x4 truck.
Got a phone call…umm, hey J, I just got your message about uniforms and I’m already at HQ. I don’t have one here; what do you want me to do? (explicit language under my breathe) Do you want me to call and tell LT? (more explicit language…followed by deep breathe) No, don’t call anyone! Where is your uniform at? Home. OK…can you go get it? Well, umm...I walked. Ok, when I get in I will drive you to get your uniform…cool, cool.
Neighbors stuck, got to help him. Roads suck, they have to see a plow. Finally, on highway, see I missed a call. Call back…hey J; I got your message kind of late (WTF?? All those messages went out hours ago, how are you people just now checking your phones??? The state is in a state of emergency, you should be checking your sh*t frequently – deep breathe) So, I turned around so that I could shave so I may be a little late. Okay…cool, thanks for letting me know!
Almost to work, phone rings, (good God, I’m scared to answer). Hey J. Yep, what’s up? You know you sent that message kind of late (lost it – poor bastard had no chance) Apologize…talk to me, what’s up? Great you don’t have your uniform! Well, I guess you are turning around and going back to your house to get it. Nope, I am not calling the LT to explain why you cannot follow simple instructions. We are in uniform and why, yes, I understand that it sucks and it always doesn’t make sense. Yes, I understand how silly it is for us to be in uniform in unmarked vehicles, but I do not make the rules, I just follow them and unfortunately, today I have to enforce them. I don’t care how long it is going to take you. I advised you over five hours ago to bring your uniform in with you to work tonight. Yes, I know traffic sucks, but since we are in a state of emergency you should have known to have your uniform with you anyway. No you may not have off they are denying all leave for the day and until this is all over with if you don’t show up for work they will be marking you as being XP (AWOL). I will cover for you until you can get in, please drive safely in a hurry.
Good God, my shift hasn’t even started yet…this cannot be a good sign for what the night has in store for me/us!
Fast forward…
I now have two detectives with uniforms, LT responds around as I am about to drop my pants in order to change into my own to debrief me. Hmm…I don’t know how he would feel about my changing in front of him (although, I am not even sure if he would notice). Have our mission; understand the game plan and luckily he did not ask where my third detective was! If he had asked, I totally planned to just drop my pants and start changing in an attempt to cause a distraction long enough for me to justify his absence. As I begin changing (yes people, I change at my desk, which is out in the open, I am not necessarily a modest person it’s not as if you haven’t seen what I have on someone else before and if you haven’t well, then there is just something wrong with you) the LT walks out of the other LT’s office and is a little startled when it is brought to his attention hey I had some UA pants on at this point no big deal, but worth mentioning because this was comical to say the least.
We’re squared away and hungry…might as well, go grab some grub prior to getting stuck on fixed positions (that’s bound to come) and since we are still waiting on one. Food is ordered…phone rings, he went to hq – idk why, but he did. Incoming text…apparently we are now on fixed positions the man is looking for our cars. Good GOD how am I going to pull this one off…
Creatively that’s how!
He’s asking for an ETA…2 minutes roads are bad (that’s no lie) he is waiting be there in seconds. Approaching intersection, light changes from green to red, I stop or so I thought, car slides and slides and slides into the intersection, car travelling northbound into same intersection, oh shit oh shit I hate anti-lock brakes oh yea and all the effing snow that is preventing my tires from touching the actual street. Slowing (start laughing) slowing (can’t help myself – this is priceless) missed the car by inches (damn, that would have been the cherry on top) “hey, LT, we’re here!”
Fix Positions…
I don’t know if you know this about me or not, but I am a type of person who cannot sit still for very long. Unless I am in a covert position observing some bad people doing bad things I just cannot seem to do it. I get restless very quickly and need to find way to entertain myself.
Boy oh boy did I ever find some ways to entertain myself.
Some science experiments were conducted…
I fixed my visor with a rubber band…
We experienced a zombie invasion and several attacks (we handled them efficiently and disposed of any and all evidence)…
A password was imposed in order to walk up my street…
I watched a mid-level cds transaction occur, where a large bag was exchanged for a duffle bag but under my present orders to not arrest anyone I ignored same and figured it was okay as this individual was well acquainted with the password…
I stopped a Medic (he was confused looking and not very happy)…
I measured the snow with my fork, which doubled as a zombie sensor (about 3.5 inches fell in 3 hours)…
I documented footage of zombies…
Hmm…there was also a point in time where I had the ingenious idea to open the sunroof of my vehicle, which dumped snow on us and led to a snowball fight inside of my car
Then the time came where I really had to hit the head after drinking my 32 oz drink along with my bottle of water. My guys relieved us of our post (this was a very important corner to protect…I believe it had everything to do with the zombies, but am still being told that information is classified) off to the district to utilize the head.
Ahhh…relief! Hmm…who is my partner for the evening talking to by that Humvee? Hey that’s one of the guys from last night still looking all sloppy in his uniform. As I approached, out ‘he’ walks from behind the humvee, ha…he’s looking, you can see the smoke coming from this guy’s ears, he looks so confused, hilarious, he is trying to figure out if I am the same chick from last night. Yea, yea, I know I look hot in uniform (joking, well only slightly). Audible…yes, it is me; I am just wearing a uniform tonight. He’s flirting…too easy, but wait?! Is he flirting with my partner for the night as well and wait is he flirting back…whoa! Dude, are you trying to steal my man? I claimed him already go find your own! LMAO! I am going to bust some b@lls on this one – too priceless for me to not! Alright, love to chat, but I got to run. I am not someone that can flirt with any civvies especially while I am in uniform. That is just downright unprofessional and not me – I can look though!
Back to my corner…only to learn that two of my detectives have been turned, damn zombies! After a few minutes, I make the command decision!
Let’s head in boys…I have had enough for one night!
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